“This is the will of the Father who sent Me, that of all He has given Me I should lose nothing, but should raise it up at the last day. And this is the will of Him who sent Me, that everyone who sees the Son and believes in Him may have everlasting life; and I will raise him up at the last day.””
John 6:39-40 NKJV
Pride Leads to Self Righteousness
“I don’t have sinful nature!”
This is what I believe in myself since I grew up knowing about Jesus in Sunday School and honoring my parents while growing up is what I did to honor God and please Him. I have mistakes in my life but it is not as much as others did. For me my mistakes are just minor compare to them. During my youth years and adulthood I even actively participated in church and volunteer to some ministries. I am serving the Lord with all my heart and with all that I can. It was instill to me in our church that when you sin before God, confess of it and ask forgiveness from God and He will forgive you and never do it again. That’s what I do every time the Lord will convict me of sins that I am committing before Him. But it doesn’t remove my sins, it just free me from my guilt but the cycle goes on and on and even got worse.
For the past three years I have involved myself even more to the church works. I’ve been actively participating to mission works, to prophetic ministries, healing ministries and my spiritual gifts were activated. I have never served the Lord this much my entire life. In my heart I have committed to His works and committed my life to Him. I believe in my heart that this is the calling God has for me and He is pleased by it. I will always serve the Lord this way, going out of my comfort zone to serve Him. I have lots of plans for the ministries I am involved with until the Lord himself intervenes.
I am planning to go to Japan with a sister in Christ and reach out to churches that the Lord will lead us but due to pandemic every plan was cancelled and I needed to stay home. I joined a Bible Study that runs every day. I love the teaching because I am not just learning but there is something different from it that I am not hearing from every church I have attended before. I learned about the Sovereignty and Holiness of God that is the very nature of God that separate Him from all creature here on earth. Then the pastor talks about the Fall of Man in Genesis 3. I’ve read and heard of it before but this time there is something inside of me that is bothered and struggling upon hearing the truth of that story in the garden. It goes on as days go by and I even heard the preaching twice and made me more and more concern about it. I am starting to be convicted by the fact that the same sin they have committed before God, I have also committed. And that in our hearts we want to be God himself in knowing right from wrong. That’s very unacceptable for me! How can I be involve with such sin I am not even present of! I have repented of my own sin before God and now He would tell me that I have a sinful nature because of what they did! I didn’t do it or anything that involves with it! I said to the Lord. I wrestled with Him for days because of this truth that He has shown me.
“As it is written: “There is none righteous, no, not one; There is none who understands; There is none who seeks after God. They have all turned aside; They have together become unprofitable; There is none who does good, no, not one.” “Their throat is an open tomb; With their tongues they have practiced deceit”; “The poison of asps is under their lips”; “Whose mouth is full of cursing and bitterness.” “Their feet are swift to shed blood; Destruction and misery are in their ways; And the way of peace they have not known.” “There is no fear of God before their eyes.””
Romans 3:10-18 NKJV
I feel dead inside, tired, hopeless and just wanna give up. I am asking the Lord for forgiveness for everything that I have done. Confessing and repenting before the Lord for being the same eve who deceives people, for the years I thought I am serving God but the truth is I am serving a false god, for the times I thought I am seeking God but only to find an idol god, for desiring the gifts but not the giver, for desiring every aspects of God but not God himself.
The next day the pastor share the passage in Psalm 139. I’ve been crying while he is reading it, as if God heard me and forgive me, that He still want me after everything that I have done to Him and remind me that He has knitted me in my mother’s womb and that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. Then the pastor told me that I am on his mind the whole day and that God loves me so much. I can’t accept it because of what I have done how can God still loves and cares for me. The Lord has been good to me, a sinner, who has been chosen by God to be one of His children since the beginning of the world.
I came to understand everything that has happened to me as we study the order of salvation that every part of my salvation is not by my own will and strength but the will of God through the power of the Holy Spirit as I have believed in Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior. I am now born again in spirit and I will see the Kingdom of God. To God be all the glory and honor and praise!
